Fish Out of Water

View from the place where I left my heart.

Imagine waking up to this view everyday. Sounds like a dream doesn’t it. Nobody in their right mind would give up a view like that. Well, that’s me. I’m obviously not right in the head. LOL

Eighteen months. That’s how long it’s been since we left our beautiful home in the mountains. Love will make you do crazy things won’t it? Where did we go you ask? Illinois. Yup. Traded mountains for corn fields. Traded fresh air for air that smells strongly of hot pigs butt, courtesy of the nearby hog plant.

Despite the smell tho, I’d say we moved into a pretty nice little town. Is the town new to me? No not really. I lived here during the winters of my childhood with my Grammy and my sister. Went to school here. Have tons of family here also. But things are not the same. After being gone for darn near 15 years everything feels different, yet nothing has changed. Not really. Everything and most everyone is exactly how I left it. So why does it feel so different. Why am I struggling so hard to fit in here again. After much self reflection, Ive decided it’s me. I am different. Somewhere deep in the Rocky Mountains, I found.. me. The best version of myself yet.

I learned a few things about myself since I’ve been gone.

1: I actually DO enjoy the quiet. I remember a time when I could not stand it. Went out of my way to surround myself with busy. Always on the go. searching for anything to distract me from..whatever it was i feared in the quiet. Always had people around. Always going to things. I can remember panicking if there was nothing happening and my home was quiet and I was alone. Nowadays I feel almost stingy with my time. I crave the quiet. I guess you could say I found peace in the quiet.

2: The power of the word “No”. Used to be I never said no to things. I was the picture perfect people pleaser. Always smiling. Always happy. Always willing. Wow that sounds exhausting right? It was. And it wasn’t healthy. I found something freeing about having boundaries and just saying “No”. Reconnecting with old friends has been pretty great but they all say the same thing. “Wow you don’t seem as happy as you used to be.” “Are you depressed?” Actually my friends, I am quite content, Thank you.

3: God is everywhere. Everywhere. This might be a controversial topic for some of my dear Illinois friends, but I can meditate with God much easier in the quiet. Church used to be a manditory thing. “Get up! Get moving! Let’s go folks! Seriously stop arguing! Get in the car!” How can anybody reach God with all that! It was a miserable experience for the whole family. Do I still love going to church? Absolutely! But should I sacrifice the harmony of my home to ensure that everyone gets to church every single Sunday? Absolutely not! We can demonstrate to our children spiritual living in all areas of our daily life. (This seems like a good topic deserving of it’s own post one day)

This post took a turn I wasn’t expecting when I started but that’s another thing I’ve learned. Going with my own flow. Trusting myself more. I kinda like the me I became, even if I am a Fish Out of Water in this place.